Guess who doesn't appreciate the value of money? (hint: it's Amy)

Amy walks in the front door one day, and my mom says, "Amy, you have mail."

Amy: I have mail?!?! Who sent me mail? Why didn't they just text me?!

Mom: It's from the bank.

Amy: Why did they mail me?

Mom: It's just your bank statement. You get one every month. Why do you not know this?

Amy: Oh, what's that?

Mom: Just open it. It shows how much money you have.

Amy: I have money?!?!

Mom: I don't know. Open it.

Amy opens the envelope and scans the paper with confused eyes for a bit before they light up.

Amy: I have 2,000 dollars??!?! Mom!! I have 2,000 dollars! That's what it says here. "Dollar sign two zero zero zero and zero zero cents."

Mom: Yes and no. That's, umm...how do I put this so you'll understand? Umm..that's Dad's and my money. It's attached to your account, but you can't use it right now.

Amy: Why not? It says it's mine. See? It's right here.

Mom: No, you can't touch it yet. It's building interest right now.

Amy: Well, how much money can I use? Where does it say? Is this what I can use?

Mom: Yeah, that's your savings.

Amy: TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!? I HAVE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS THAT'S ALL MINE!?!?!

Mom: Yeah.

Amy: I can buy SO much stuff now! How come I didn't know I had $200?

Me: Hey, Amy! Maybe you should use that money to pay Mom back for all the stuff she buys you on a regular basis.

Mom: Hey, I like that idea! Why don't you pay me back for all your phone bills that I'm paying for?

Amy: Nah, you already paid them.

Me: No, you're supposed to pay her back.

Amy: No, I'm going to spend it all on tanning minutes. That's all I care about in my life.


I just walked away at this point. I didn't think there was anything more to be said. She sufficiently summed up all the relevant character flaws shown in this conversation.

How to Prepare Garlic Fingers

I pulled a box of garlic fingers out of the freezer, opened it up, put the frozen mass on a plate, and put it in the microwave for three minutes. Like I'm supposed to based on the instructions on the side of the box. Amy saw this, and demonstrated her amazing grasp of the English language.

Amy: You heat that up?

Me: Yeah. Did you think I would eat it when it's rock-hard frozen? Please tell me that's not how you make them.

Amy: No, I thought you oven them.

*I had to pause and think for a second before responding*

Me: Amy, while "heat" and "microwave" can be used synonymously, "heating" is not restricted to "microwaving". Also, "oven" is not a verb.

Wise Sayings at Breakfast

I walk into the kitchen this morning to have some breakfast. I see Amy eating the last of my cereal.

Me: Hey, pal. What do you think you're doing? That's my cereal.

Amy: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, so now I have to find something else to eat.

Amy: Well, sometimes you have to share the willing.

Me: What?"

Amy: Sometimes you have to share the willing.

Me: Share the what?

Amy: Share the willing.

Me: The willing?

Amy: Yeah.

Me: Ok...so I did hear you correctly. I still don't get it. Share the willing?

Amy: Yeah, sometimes you have to share the willing.

Me: No, I know what you're saying; I just don't understand it. What are you talking about.

Amy: It works like this: I'm willing to share, so you have to be willing to share.

Me: ...

Amy: See? It makes sense.

Me: No. Not at all. First of all, I obviously wasn't willing to share since I came up here and was upset that you are eating the last of my cereal. But the first clause of your saying states that you are willing to share, and I see nothing that you are offering.

Amy: I'm willing to share your cereal with you. That's why I ate some. You have to be willing to share your cereal with me, so I can eat some.

Me: You're an idiot.

Young Love....As A Rule

Amy hadn't watched The Notebook, and since I knew she can't fully grasp--and therefore enjoy--anything more than a chick flick, I said she should watch it. For a "girly" movie, I enjoyed it, and I'm always so sick of hearing Amy talk about what are generally accepted to be bad movies in a positive light. And her complete avoidance of any "classics" or any movie that involves using just a portion of brainpower boggles my mind. The Notebook is one of those chick-flicks worth watching. So she watched it and after it was over, I asked her what she thought of it. Her response:

Amy: Well, I thought it was pretty good even though it took place in olden days. But then the ending ruined it all.

Me: Was it because you saw it coming? I guessed right at the beginning, so the film lost of bit of its magic.

Amy: Guessed what?

Me: That the present day people were the ones in the story.

Amy: No, I didn't get that.

Me: But you got it at the end, right?

Amy: I guess...?

Me: Wait, why didn't you like the ending? Because you didn't get it?

Amy: No! The ending just sucked!

Me: Why?

Amy: It got all gross!

Me: What?!

Amy: There was OLD PEOPLE LOVE! UGH! The whole movie was good, but then they ruined it right at the end with OLD PEOPLE LOVE! So gross....

Me: ...I think it was supposed to be adorable, at the least.

Amy: Old people love is NOT adorable. It's just gross. Why do old people even care? They're old! They shouldn't be allowed since it's gross.





Also, without any provocation on my part, Amy will make comments when watching movies or TV about "old people love". And I've found that her definition of "old people love" is pretty wide. The other day there was a middle-aged couple (50 years at most) getting married, and when they kissed, Amy looked at me and asked, "Don't you think it's super awkward when old people kiss?"

"They're getting married. It's traditional," I explained.

Amy scrunches up her face in disgust and said, "still...so awkward".

Make your own clever joke about irony for this one...

My mom came rushing downstairs with Amy hot on her heels. The two of them are laughing so hard that they are having trouble speaking. My mom is laughing so hard that she is crying. I don't know what she's laughing about, but I discovered that Amy is laughing at my mom laughing, not because she understands what my mom is laughing at. This makes it all the funnier.

Confused? So was I. I sat patiently while the two of them tried to clam down enough to speak. Eventually, this transpired:

Mom: Tell Cory what you just said!

Amy: What? What's so funny?

Mom: Just tell him! Oh, hahaha! He has to hear this! Tell him what just happened.

Me: Did it have something to do with the phone call just now? I went to pick it up, but I saw it was the school calling, and I assumed it was just another "A student in your household by the name of *AMY* missed the following periods: *ALL OF THEM*" recordings.


As an aside, I'll add that for the previous month or so, Amy's school has been calling nonstop. I've picked it up a lot, and I imagine they've called a lot more when I haven't been home. Each time is a recording stating that my sister is missing (read: skipping) most of her classes. My mom is aware of this and does nothing. I'm not sure what I find more disappointing, but that's besides the point. What is important is that Amy skips a lot of her classes and we get a lot of recorded phone calls stating this fact.


Mom: Yeah! Se,, that's what I thought it was, so I just immediately put it on speaker phone, so Amy would hear the recording in her room. But then, after a pause, I hear a voice say "Hello?" So I quickly take speaker phone off, and say "Hello." It's not a recording! It's a real person. And they're asking for Amy. So I go give the phone to Amy.

My mom bursts into laughter again at this point and says to Amy: "Tell him! Just tell him!"

Amy: What? I don't know what's funny. You just keep laughing and it makes me laugh.

My mom settles down again and continues her story: So I can only hear Amy's end and it's a lot of "Yeah....mm-hmm....oh......ok......yeah.....I guess......so?......so?.....So what am I supposed to do?....oh, ok....here, just talk to my mom." and she hands me the phone.

Me: Ok, so what was it about? Who was it?

Mom: So I have a slightly confused-sounding woman re-telling me everything she told Amy. She wanted to let Amy know that...


My Mom and sister glance at each other, and Amy bursts out laughing and my mom loses it again, too.

Me: Ok! Just tell me. It better be as funny as you're making it out to be.

Mom (through laughter): AMY GOT A SCHOLARSHIP!


My mom and sister both continue laughing uncontrollably.


Me: No, she didn't.

Mom: She did! Really!

Me: If you guys are trying to trick me, I'll give you a hint: next time at least try not to laugh.

Mom (calming down): No, I'm serious! It was Amy's teacher letting her know she got a scholarship. But Amy gave me the phone to talk to her...

Amy: ..BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A SCHOLARSHIP IS!


Amy bursts into laughter, not quite understanding why it's extra funny. She thought it was just funny that she didn't know what a scholarship was. She completely missed the irony. This is what my mom (and now I) were laughing at.

It turns out Amy's school was given a handful of Dramatic Arts scholarships for students in the drama classes. Drama is one of the classes Amy enjoys (or at least attends somewhat), and her teacher decided to give one of these scholarships to my sister. My understanding is that half the class got these scholarships, so it really isn't anything special, but Amy will need to take advantage of it, surely. I don't know how much the scholarship is for, or to where, but if it's important, I'll certain it'll lead to more content for this blog.

Also, my mom and I did explain what a scholarship was to my sister. Eventually.

Amy's Laugh

I should clarify how my sister laughs. She almost always bursts out laughing after trying to hold it in. It doesn't have to be anything very funny, as long as it tickles her own funny bone (she thinks she's hilarious, while most people end up laughing at her laugh).

You see, when her laughter bursts out, it's loud and annoying. The closest I can get to putting it into words on a page, would be this:

It starts with her trying to hold it in with some throat sounds and nasally noises, and then--when she can no longer contain it--it bursts forth wth:

D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Usually super high pitched and extending for at least a few seconds until she needs to take a breath in. At that point it falls apart into "regular" laughter with a more familiar "ha-ha-ha" sound to it.

So whenever I state that my sister "burst out laughing", picture her trying to hold back a laugh with all her ight, then screaming, "D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" at the top of her lungs.

Table Manners

My mom and I are at the kitchen table eating supper and talking when my sister rounds the corner and enters the kitchen. She walks in an odd, waddling manner. She's dressed in her bathrobe (thankfully closed, because leaving it open is something she is wont to do no matter how much my family complains about it), and she's holding something in her hand. I couldn't quite see what it was because the chairbacks on the other side of the table obscured my line of sight.

She has this goofy smirk on her face, as though she thinks what's she's doing is funny or clever in some way.My mom and I stop talking and look at her. My mom, on the side of the table nearer to Amy, sees what's she's holding and says, "Oh, geez! What are you doing?!"

Still unable to see, I crane my neck a bit. Amy sees this and decides to lift her hand so I can see the object she's holding: a pair on panties gripped cautiously between 2 fingers and held away from her body.

"I diarrhea'd in my pants," she states simply, holding her soiled underwear like a victory trophy.

"What?!" I exclaim. "Why are you showing us this?! That's nothing to brag about! We're trying to eat! Why would you think it's acceptable to show that to us?!"

Amy bursts out laughing at this point. Not because it was all a big joke, but because she thinks bringing her poopy underwear into the kitchen while I'm eating is hilarious.

"Get out of here, Amy!" my mom shouts.

"But what do I do?!" Amy shouts back, half-laughing.

"Go wash them!" My mom says.

"But it's fresh!"

"I know! That's why you should wash them now! Now get that out of here!"

"I don't want to touch it, though," Amy complains. "It's gross. I'm going to drop them here."

"No! You're not!" Mom orders.

Amy: "Well, do we have gloves at least?"

Mom: "No, just go wash them! Just get your underwear out of here!"

Amy: "Well, I need gloves! I'm not going--oh, wait. I know."

Amy then drops her underwear on the kitchen floor, open a drawer and pulls out some Saran wrap. She tears off a huge piece, then wraps it around her hand and proceeds to pick up her soiled underwear.

"Like my gloves, Mom?" She asks, still laughing. "I just made them."

"What is wrong with you?" My mom asks. Luckily, my family and I don't lose our appetites easily, and my mom and I finished eating.

Ten minutes later, I'm downstairs doing homework when I hear my sister shouting upstairs. I only catch a portion of it. To the tune of The Diarrhea Song, she sings:

"When you're driving in your car,
And you're heading to work.
Diarrhea, diarrhea!"

And she bursts out laughing. I go back to my homework, but a minute later, Amy comes running downstairs (still in her robe) and says:

"Did you hear that? I was singing. It went: 'when you're driving in your car, and you're heading to work'! HAHAHAHAHA! I MADE THAT UP JUST RIGHT NOW!"

"I know you did," I replied, "because it's not even closer to rhyming. Now get out of here."

Parasitaphobia

A bed bug scare at my sister's school has made her paranoid and given her a crippling fear that bed bugs are in her room. She claims her bed is infested with bed bugs and other gross bugs and forced my mom to wash her sheets, vacuum her room, and inspect her mattress thoroughly for any signs of these bugs.

There was nothing.

The funniest part is to get my mom to do all this, she threatened to sleep in the bathtub. And she was serious. Until I told her about how spiders like to fall in there and can't get out. She said she didn't believe me, but still added, "well, I'll find somewhere else to sleep then!"

Halloween just passed, and one of my friends left a fake moustache at my house. I decided to leave it on Amy's pillow for her to find before she went to bed that night. To me, it looked like a furry caterpillar.

I found it later that Amy thought the same thing. She told me she thought it was a worm and stared at it for a few minutes, but didn't see it move. Still not sure, she went up close and blew on it, but still nothing. Carefully, she poked it quickly and it flipped over to reveal the sticky padded backside.

Realizing that it wasn't a worm, she decided to be clever and try to scare my mom with it. (I had told my mom prior to this about my plan to ensure my mom wasn't grossed out in case Amy complained to her). Amy threw the moustache on my mom and said something like, "Mom! There's a worm!"

My mom saw it, recognized it, and quickly said, "Oh, ok," then proceeded to put the moustache on. Amy, however, thought she was going to eat it and stood there dumbfounded until she realized she had gotten tricked twice.

Crime and Mispronoununishments

My sister found out that the profession I'll be going into involves giving people enemas. She instantly knew what that meant, but then proceeded to bury that triumph with some dumb conversation.

Amy: You can't just do that, can you? Don't you have to get a police check to make sure you're not a bad guy?

Me: Yeah, I already did. That was a requirement before even starting the schooling.

Amy: No, you didn't.

Me: What do you mean "No [I] didn't?". I did. I had to.

Amy: How come I never heard about it?

Me: For one, a criminal background check is a confidential legal paper. Secondly, I never told you.

Amy: So how many crimes did you have on it.

Me: How many do you think I had?

Amy: Two.

Me: Name them.

Amy: I don't know. I was just guessing.

Me: I know because I don't have a criminal record.

Amy: How do they know that you aren't just saying you aren't a crimical?

Me: A what?

Amy: A crimical.

Me: A crimical?

Amy: Ok! I just can't say that word! You know what I mean.

Me: Criminal?

Amy: Yeah.

Me: That's not a hard word. You have no excuse for saying it wrong.

Amy: ...Crimical. Cri-MIC-al. Ok! It doesn't even matter!

Me: How do people not openly mock you when you speak to them?

Amy: Hey, what if you got arrested for a second?

Me: What?

Amy: Like, what do they put on your crimical record if you get arrested for just one second?

Me: You can't get arrested for a second. What would the point of that be?

Amy: Well, some of my friends got arrested so a second.

Me: No, they didn't. It must have been longer than a second. Don't exaggerate.

Amy: Well, it was a really short time. But they had handcuffs on! They got caught going somewhere they weren't allowed to...path...tressing.

Me: Trespassing?

Amy: Yeah, trespassing. The police came and arrested them and them let them go right after. Do they have crimical records?

Me: Criminal. And I don't know. Probably not. It sounds like they just got a warning.

Amy: But they were in handcuffs.

Me: I'm not a cop. I don't know.

Amy: Well, supposably, theyy--

Me: Supposably?

Amy: I mean "supposabably".

Me: Nope. That's it. I draw lines. "Supposabably" is one of them. I'm done with this conversation.